Feeling really broken right now. I feel very lost in my faith right now. I'm trying to hold myself together trying to make sense of things. I guess we really don't know the struggles that others are going through. That whole saying about what goes on behind closed doors.
I wish that I could be more open to the problems and issues that I am going through, but there are very few people that I feel open with to be able to share those things with. I feel like I need to uphold a certain image. That if I open up to just anyone they will judge me. That they will treat me differently. I feel embarrassed by my imperfections, that I need to wear a mask to hide who I really am. I try to be open with my imperfections, my mistakes and my wrong doings with God. He really is the only person that I need to answer to. All the other stuff he doesn't care about. As long as I'm true to him and honest about how much I believe and love him. He loves with even with all my baggage and imperfections.
Addiction can take everything away from you. Addiction not only hurts you but those around you. It can be anything. Even being addicted to you cell phone can be a bad thing. Putting anything above God is always bad, but also putting it above your family and friends hurts too.
The hardest part is not knowing if your ok. Not knowing where you are. I failed you. I failed as family, friend, unbiological sister. I should have been there. I KNEW I should have been there. I was too wrapped up in my own problems and family life to check on you even when I KNEW I should have. I could see little signs, at the time I didn't believe them just brushed them off, but I should have paid more attention. You need someone and I wasn't there. It breaks my heart everyday I think about it.
I just wish you knew how much I love and care for you. I wish you knew that I am here for you.